A adolescência vem acompanhada de grandes desafios, quer para os filhos, quer para os pais, sendo a comunicação familiar um deles. Os pais fartam-se das respostas tortas e esquivas e os filhos queixam-se das críticas dos pais. As discussões tornam-se mais frequentes, e em alguns casos, as famílias mal conseguem comunicar.
Todas as famílias necessitam de se reajustar a esta fase, sendo necessário que os pais encarem o filho de outra forma, percebendo que as suas necessidades são agora diferentes, o que por sua vez, implicará alterações na dinâmica familiar. Por exemplo, os pais já não poderão tomar decisões e comunicar com os filhos adolescentes da mesma forma como faziam na infância. A flexibilidade, negociação e tomada de decisão conjunta com os filhos em assuntos que lhes dizem respeito são essenciais.
A maneira como a família comunica pode influenciar o grau, duração e intensidade das discussões. As avaliações precipitadas da situação, as decisões impulsivas, “braços de ferro” que escalam para ameaças, ordens, negações, acusações e o sarcasmo impedem uma comunicação eficaz. Contribuem para uma expressão de afeto negativo de um membro familiar, que será um estímulo para uma resposta negativa de outro membro. Para além disso, estas interações disfuncionais levam a perceções mais negativas das relações e a sentimentos negativos consistentes e recíprocos. Nesta atura, já se discute automaticamente, sem se saber o porquê.
Para inverter este ciclo negativo, é necessário expressar emoções de forma assertiva e não ofensiva, saber ouvir atentamente o outro e descodificar mensagens de forma rigorosa. Assim, sempre que surgir um conflito:
– dêem oportunidade de cada membro da família expressar a sua perspetiva, ouvindo e refletindo sobre a visão do outro
– comecem as frases com “eu sinto…” ao invés de “tu…” no sentido acusatório ou defensório
– esperem que o outro termine de falar, ao invés de interromper
– sejam claros, descritivos e objetivos, ao invés de julgarem de forma distorcida e precipitada, generalizando ou catastrofizando
– tenham atenção à concordância entre comportamento verbal e não verbal, ao contacto visual adequado e ao tom de voz
– se estiverem num estado de humor negativo, adiem a conversa para um momento mais calmo
– avaliem em conjunto soluções alternativas para o problema definido, refletindo sobre as consequências positivas e negativas de cada uma
– sejam flexíveis e (re)negoceiem ao invés de imporem decisões não refletidas
– centrem-se no momento presente e no problema em específico, ao invés de relembrarem situações negativas do passado
– tenham expectativas realistas e não perfeccionistas acerca de cada um
– validem o que o outro sente
– façam comentários e reparos de forma empática e manifestem apreço
– reforcem positivamente os esforços e atitudes de cada um através de elogios sinceros
– peçam desculpa, assumindo erros e responsabilidades.
Colocar estas estratégias em prática não é de todo fácil, mas com a atenção plena, calma, paciência e persistência é possível diminuir uma escalada de conflitos progressivamente.
Ouvir o seu filho atentamente, sem o julgar, mostrando compreensão, confiança, empatia são imprescindíveis para uma comunicação saudável e para que os laços familiares se mantenham fortes e o seu filho continue a ver os pais como um porto seguro.
Raquel Carvalho
Psicóloga Clínica
Equipa Mindkiddo – Oficina de Psicologia
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